Night Swimming

My head is spinning...swimming. Especially at night because I'm not sleeping...well, I sleep until about midnight and then I'm up every 45 minutes or so. Partly nerves, partly the fact that there's a full sized human pushing on my bladder, and partly because I just have so much going through my brain and I have never been particularly good at stopping that whole racing thoughts thing. So, as I said, my head...swimming!! And how am I supposed to focus at work? Because of Night Swimming, I'm not sleeping, so I'm tired...and anxious, and peeing, and thinking about everything other than work. But it's all so incredible!! There is a real, live baby in my belly who is anxious to GET OUT and in a matter of days, we will be holding our new baby girl! Our family will expand by an additional 33% (or would it be 25%...I'm so bad at math). Our lives will be enriched completely and totally forever! I can't contain myself. If I didn't have said baby in said belly, I could do cartwheels with excitement... actually, I could still do a cartwheel if I wanted...just not in maternity shirts because they're way to floppy and would end up over my head.

ANYhow, it is amazing how much adding a child to a family makes a difference. For us, a wonderful difference. I can't find the down side even when I try! But, I have definitely noticed (and fabulous FaceBook has helped illuminate this for me exponentially) that many, many, if not most, people find all the ways kids are a pain. And, ya know, it's not just kids...this is a topic I was swimming around last night...and I have to soapbox it because I think it's starting to get to my heart...and the topic is this: MOST PEOPLE ARE APPARENTLY MISERABLE! I know...how completely miserable of me to say that. How totally and entirely pessimistic. But do a little activity for me and you'll agree. If you are a Facebook user, go in to your friends' status updates and randomly screen 20, 30, 50, however many you want. Keep track of how many are positive and how many are negative...and I'm telling you that upwards of 50% will be MISERABLE! Seriously, everything from how annoying it is that their kids dare do anything wrong ever to complaining about the weather (this one is CONSTANT!) to lamenting about bad drivers, ugly people, annoying waiters, stupid spouses...it goes on and on. I feel so sad about it. It's come up for me over and over since I've started on the Facebook thing and has, ridiculously, been upsetting enough to me that there have actually been times I've considered stopping Facebook altogether because it gets at my heart too much.

Do the people I love really feel this miserable all the time?

Is life really this wretched that the only things people can think to make public are the negative, sad, depressing things?

Is there really nothing to celebrate, feel joyful about, or just be thankful for?

Don't get me wrong...obviously this is not true of EVERYone, but I do have to say that it's true of more than not. And it gets to me because I think it's a symptom of a bigger issue...but I can't figure out the issue. Is it that we, as a people, are ingrates? Is it that we, as a society, are spoiled to the point that we're entitled and, therefore, nothing is ever good enough? Is it something else? I wish I could answer it. I've come up with a gazillion theories...there must be some study about it.

I also think it's contagious...the more negativity we each put out individually, the more negativity that comes back in the emotional universe, bouncing off the people around us like little emotional, cosmic pool balls, sending everyone flying into the holes. But, I truly believe this is the case with positivity too...and gratitude...I participated in the Gratitude Experiment (www.gogratitude.com) a couple of years ago and I don't know what kind of cosmic difference it made, but it did make me feel better every day. The idea is to focus on things each day for which we are thankful...that's the simple take on it. I know it sounds awfully Oprah and "The Secret" and I'm not a particularly big Oprah person, but the concept is a great one, one I wish more people would embrace...at least in my life. There's just so much to be thankful for, even when life seems treacherous... there's always a worse circumstance. There are always people who need you more than you need them. There's always something you can find to be joyful about (or at least to smirk about on the harder days)...but why do we not let ourselves go there?? Why is it so easy to turn to the bad stuff...to find company in misery...to toxify the world around us with our own, usually self-created, poison?

I'm trying as best I can to focus on gratitude, to put the positive energy out there and to remember every day that there are more beautiful things than ugly. I hope that once in a while someone around me sees this and decides to try to do the same thing. And maybe even by writing this, one or two people might think before spewing yuckiness on their status updates...at the very least. I don't know...as a social worker I should understand and be sensitive to the need to vent, share frustrations, and process the hard stuff. Don't get me wrong, there is definitely a place for that. But, maybe on a public forum, maybe when 200+ people can read it and be affected by it, and maybe when there is not much of a beneficial reason to do it, it's not productive.

Any of my lovies in my life know that I am ALWAYS willing to have an open ear, a strong shoulder and a loving heart in times of need...that's not the issue...and I hope you all get the difference. But, maybe we could also all work together to share love openly, to find grace all around us, to swim in the miracles that are this world and this life. That's a hope I came to last night while swimming around in my thoughts...

And now, off the soapbox again until next time....thanks for enduring me! :)

Sometimes less is more

I don't have a lot to say today...oh, c'mon, who am I kidding...sure I do! But, I don't have much time this morning. So, I'm taking the approach that this shot of my amazing little man may possibly speak for itself.

Preserving history

Last night I had the joy of being photographed. Why did I not become a model for a living? I know it makes me a definite vain exhibitionist that I love posing so much, but I do and that's that. If anyone needs a model...

ANYway...For my birthday (which was July 5th, in case any of you forgot to celebrate), my only wish was to have maternity photos done. I didn't do this when I was pregnant with Shawn, but know a number of people who have done them and I just think they're so beautiful. Brianna being the second child, I have this nagging fear that she's going to be second best (or maybe third or fifth, given the other grandchildren). Already I see it...people ask less about how things are going, seem less interested or concerned about the pregnancy and the baby's development, and just generally treat it as if it's old hat, just because this isn't my first time. I get it, don't get me wrong...but it certainly implies something about how people are going to treat her or think of her in comparison to the majestic welcome that Shawn received.

Shawn has a pretty engaging personality, so I know that's part of it. He goes into a room, a store, a restaurant, a parking lot, a landfill...and everyone seems drawn to him. It's really astounding...and those moments bring me such pride. I love how much he cares about people and how interested he is in them. He loves to have us list everyone he knows over and over and, at only 25 months, knows most people in our lives' "real" or "whole names" (e.g., Mommy's real name is Pam) and where they live by town (or in the case of his Uncle Chris, by city and country - Dubrovnik, Croatia). It's an odd phenomenon, but says a lot about how into relationships and people he is. He just needs to know everything he can about everyone! It's just an example of how easy it is to be drawn to him.

And my mind and heart wonder...what about Brianna?

Already you all seem so less into her and you haven't even met her yet. That's not really fair, and I pray with all my heart that it ends when everyone sees her sweet angel face! I know she'll be as amazing as Shawn...well, you won't have to convince ME anyway! I've read all about Leos and have learned that they love to be the center of attention, love to be on stage, and will make sure they get the attention they need. I was scared in the beginning about the prospect of having a girl and of having a Leo...but now I'm completely sure it's the perfectly right thing. God knows what He's doing...Brianna will make you see and love her!! But, at the same time, I'm a Mommy who is very aware that no one get the short end of the stick.

So, to return to my original train of thought..back to the photo session... The shoot last night was a maternity shoot. First, our incredible photographer, Chelse photographed the whole fam (Bob, Shawn and me). Shawn was a bit not into it. He was okay at first, but I think really wanted to just focus on running around and exploring the gorgeous landscape of the park Chelse chose for the shoot. There was a family of deer just on the other side of the meadow and he loved watching them...I thought it was incredibly appropriate for the mood of the day. Family photos:.Family of Deer...there was a Mama, Daddy, and three babies. It was mesmerizing and I can understand Shawn wanting to focus there instead of on posing (though I was all for the camera!! Vain, as I said). So, she did as much as she could while letting him run, Shawn periodically turning to her and yelling "no pictures, no pictures", waving his hand toward her as if this would somehow mystically ward her off. No such luck for him. The family shoot came to an end and then Shawn got to go with Daddy to the playground, but not before getting up close and personal (like, within 20 feet) with two very baby deer. Bob said Shawn just loved it!

Chelse and I were off to do more shots of just Bri and I. And it was amazing. Seriously, if you're pregnant or thinking of becoming pregnant, I urge you to do this! The results will be timeless. I can't wait to share these with Brianna...I imagine a time when I no longer have a glimmer of youth on my side, when my little girl will be awestruck by how different her Mom looked. I imagine sitting with her and telling her what it was like then, how much this pregnancy overwhelmed me with joy, what a miracle she is. I imagine her wondering what we were all like...how times were different...how her Mom became the person she is now from the person she looked like then. While riding to one of the sites for the shots last night, Chelse and I were talking about this. She said her mom did photos when she was pregnant with her and that she loves to look at them; that it's fascinating to see her Mom so young. I remember looking at photographs of my Mom and Dad's wedding when I was a kid...the color seemed classic, the images captured were like memories from their minds that I could peek into for just a moment. I loved that. I used to look at them all the time and, somehow, although it was before I was even a consideration, I still feel like I was there.

My parents' wedding is part of my history...and in the same way, I want this time to be an element of Bri's history. I hope that's what I'm giving her. Because, the experience of yesterday was incredible too...feeling beautiful only 4 weeks before Brianna's due...having someone appreciate the pregnant female form...not being afraid to bare that baby belly...feeling like some kind of super model!! But, all of that is for me alone. I know that's just me feeding my vanity and needing to be validated. I know this...I'm a social worker...I do know my own issues!

In the end, though, I wanted to do this for her. I wanted something that could make this pregnancy special, different, set it apart from the first go-round...to help her know that it was all of these things to me, even if it was my second pregnancy. She is unique...and this is one way to represent that fact. I really loved the experience and the pictures that I've seen so far are unbelieveably well done (thank you, Chelse!!). But, more than that, I love that this moment, this experience, is captured in our unique family history. And I pray that Brianna Sadie knows just how amazingly special she already is!!

Thanks, as always, for letting this vain exhibitionist share another moment! Until another thought strikes...

~P